Interior Decorating of the Mind;
or, The Drapes of Wrath
(Stage
light dimly. Jason standing in the middle. A table and two chairs sits
to his right, a fireplace to his left, and a closed door behind him.)
Jason
Where the hell am I? Mark! Doc! Hello!! Anyone! (A knock comes from the door. Jason walks towards the door.) Well isn’t this Twilight Zoney. (Jason turns the knob and standing there is a man dressed all in black.)
Jason
Hello. Can you tell me where I am?
Damien
You are just where you need to be.
Jason
No, really. Am I like on candid camera? (Jason waves towards nowhere.) Hi Mom!
Damien
Well actually no. This is just a place where we can meet, unseen by He who is always watching.
Jason
Santa Claus?
Damien
What?
No. That isn’t important right now. What is important is that you find
your way out of the chasm of dread before the hounds of Hell catch you.
You have a rope, a rock, and a branch. How do you survive the apocalypse
with these resources?
Jason
Oh, My God! WHAT!!
Damien
Oh, don’t bring Him
into this. Backstabbing, good for nothing... No I'm just pulling your
leg. You’re perfectly safe here. For now. So I have a question for you,
Jason.
Jason
Wait, how do you know my name?
Damien
Nevermind about that! You need to listen. We don’t have a lot of time.
Jason
Alright, shoot.
Damien
BANG. Just a bit of dark humor. So, about your life, Jason.
Jason
Well it has seemed to be going just fine until now.
Damien
Splendid! Wait, one second. (Turns to the door) What
is this?! I ordered the chaise in burnt sienna, NOT salmon!! Do I have
to do everything! And where is the mahogany credenza I ordered? (Looks back at Jason.) Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back. (Damien Storms off stage.)
(Enter Kosmo.)
Kosmo
Wow, he picked that color for the chaise? Always was a bit dark. (Looks at Jason) Oh, hello.
Jason
Hi. Wait, do I know you from somewhere?
Kosmo
Probably. I do get around.
Jason
Right? But, where? Did you go to Holy Cross High School?
Kosmo
No, I didn’t actually, but I saw when you won 1st place in the Science fair.
Jason
Wait, how the hell do you know that?
Kosmo
I was there, Jason.
Jason
Were you a teacher there?
Kosmo
Well no, not exactly. I was (looks around) Wow, he really went with this color for the walls?
Jason
I don’t know, I kind of like the color.
Kosmo
Oh, well. So Jason, let me ask you a question. Are you ready for your future and what you have to do?
Jason
I suppose... I’m not really sure what I want to do yet.
Kosmo
Well when the time comes I’m sure that you will pick the right path. You have your materials, right?
Jason
Yeah, I graduated top of my class.
Kosmo
Well it’s going to take more than knowledge to survive, Jason.
Jason
Yeah about that, I never found out exactly why I’m....(gets cut off by Kosmo)
Kosmo
(looks away)
He took down my beautiful drapes! OH you should have seen them. When
the sun hit them just right in the morning, just like fire. Brilliant.
He might just as well change the landscaping, too... use the same
bulldozer that he ran right through my heart!
Damien
(from off stage Damien yells) JUST LIKE YOU PUT MY FEELINGS THROUGH A WOODCHIPPER!
Jason
Umm (pause), sorry about that, should I leave you two alone?
(Stage
set up in two parts. Stage split down the center. Mark, Dentist, and
Jason stage right, Damien and Kosmo stage left. Alternating Lights.)
Kosmo
(wipes his eyes) No, no. That is quite all right. (looks at watch, still visibly emotionally distraught) Oh,
would you look at the time. Better get you back so you can get started.
Any questions? I didn’t think so. Okay. Don’t mess this up, they’re all
counting on you.
Jason
Wait! I know who you are. (Fade to black)
(lights up stage right. Mark and the Dentist stand looking over Jason who is sitting in a dentist chair.)
Mark
I think he’s waking up. Hey dude! Wake UP!
Dentist
So
you need to remember that he might be a little loopy after he wakes up.
That should last for about an hour. He is also going to need to make a
follow up appointment to check the area surrounding the root canal. Make
sure that the nerve has been thoroughly removed.
Mark
All
right. Thanks, Doc. You might want to take a step back when he wakes
up. You wouldn’t believe what it took to get him here. Oh, that reminds
me. I need to get some more duct tape on the way home.(Lights fade stage right, light raise stage left.)
Kosmo
I cannot believe that you didn’t tell him!
Damien
Tell him what?
Kosmo
Well, this is going to get interesting.
Damien
I’ll get the popcorn. (lights dim stage left, lights raise stage right)
Dentist
The gum tissue take will take a few weeks to heal, and complete healing of the bone can take several months.
Mark
Sounds good. Our insurance should cover most of this.
Dentist
So
there are just a few more papers that I need you to sign real quick.
Uhm, by the way, it seems that your credit card was declined
Mark
WHAT
DO YOU MEAN our credit card was declined! It must have been that
shopping spree. I TOLD him that we didn’t need that hand engraved
chestnut armoire with the beveled glass panels. Even though it was
simply fabulous. When the sun hit it just right, bellissimo. Like a
choir of angels. (Lights dim stage left, lights raise stage left)
Damien
Oh, it’s not that bad.
Kosmo
Not that bad? He was humanity's only hope for survival!
Damien
What
I don’t get is if you are going to set the apocalypse into motion why
would you set someone on the path to stop it before it reaches fruition.
Kosmo
Well, it's how it’s always done in the movies, but that isn't the point!
Damien
Well, it wouldn’t have to be a problem if you didn’t overreact.
Kosmo
I overreacted, I overreacted?! I did not overreact. This is the Atlantis fiasco all over again!
Damien
Now that was just a mishap.
Kosmo
Why I put a drain plug on an Island I’ll never know.
Damien
See.
Kosmo
Well now the world is going to be destroyed and I’m going to have to start all over again.
Damien
Well this one only took you 6 days. How hard can it be? Or you could just, I don’t know, not bring on the end of the world.
Kosmo
Maybe you’re right. It’s only because I was so angry at you.
Damien
Well it was your fault.
Kosmo
My fault. My fault. You didn’t do much to save this relationship either, Buddy.
Damien
Just
because I wrecked the chariot, set fire to the carpet, and lost all of
our money in Vegas doesn’t warrant you starting the damn apocalypse!
Kosmo
Maybe I did overreact, but still you forgot to add that you cut the couch in half with a CHAINSAW!
Damien
Oh
boo hoo. You cut one little couch in half with a chainsaw and you
become public enemy number one. Not like I wasn't already but still.
Kosmo
It’s
not that you did all of that, It’s that you lied about it and blamed my
Son! He was trapped him the pits of anguish for an entire week!
Damien
Yeah (pause) about that.
Kosmo
You did let him out, didn’t you?
Damien
Of course I did. Like I’d forget something like that. (shifty eyes) I never knew that my actions were so hurtful to you.
Kosmo
We really should talk more.
Damien
That would probably be a good idea. Remember what happened with Abraham and Isaac.
Kosmo
Oh don’t remind me.
Damien
So no more apocalypse?
Kosmo
(thinking aloud) Maybe I could retry Dinosaurs this time.
Damien
You have got to be kidding me. (lights dim stage left, light raise stage right.)
Jason
(Jason wakes up) Wh-what? Where am I?
Mark
You’re at the dentist, Jason.
Jason
Did we do it?
Mark
Did we do what?
Jason
Did we save the world?
Mark
Yeah. He is going to be just fine. (lights dim stage right, lights raise stage left.)
Damien
YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!
Kosmo
I’m an idiot! What about our trip to Chicago! Look how that ended! *mumbles* ...and they call me a flamer.
Damien
Well I planned it as a great road trip to get away with you for a few days, but (sarcastically) it started off with a Bang in San Francisco and just went down the tubes from there.
Kosmo
(looks longingly at Damien) But what about when we went for a moonlight swim in the North Atlantic?
Damien
That really was a Titanic mistake, (softer)
and so would this whole Armageddon idea. If you go ahead with it for no
reason people will think that you have lost your mind! Aren’t I the
evil one? Do you really think that someone of your position should make a
rash decision such as this?
Kosmo
Maybe you're right. But then again...
Damien
Oh come on! I thought that you were smarter than this.
Kosmo
I
am smart. I created all that is! I actually kind of enjoy the whole
Creation process. It gives me a chance to let my imagination run away
with me. I suppose it's quite like your knack for interior design.
Damien
So
you went through all that trouble to create this beautiful masterpiece
just to rip apart the canvas? That doesn’t seem like a very sensitive
thing to do. Where is the Kosmo that I fell in love with?
Kosmo
No, Damien. You’re right.
Damien
Damn straight I’m right.
Kosmo
Fine, no apocalypse.
Damien
Splendid. Care to go get some lunch?
Kosmo
Sure, but let’s go to my place. Your place is always so hot.
Damien
Hmmm. I wonder why.
Kosmo
Well I should erase his memory before we go.
Damien
No, you should totally leave it be.
Kosmo
That is so evil.
Damien
It’s what I do. Plus it’s funnier this way.
(Exit Kosmo and Damien. Lights dim stage left.)
(Lights raise stage right.)
Dentist
So
after the effects of the gas wear off he is going to be in a lot of
pain. Make sure that he takes two of these every 12 hours. (Hands Mark a bottle of pills.)
Mark
Can do, Doc.
Dentist
Time to go, Jason.
Mark
Come on, Princess. Your Chariot awaits.
Jason
(slurred) But he crashed the chariot.
Mark
Don’t worry. I bought a new one.
Jason
Yay!! (Fade to black)
(Lights raise, Mark and Jason outside the dental office)
Mark
So are you finally over your loopy gas?
Jason
Yes. Ow. (holds jaw) Why did you make me do this?
Mark
Because I care.
Jason
You
know, I had the weirdest dream while I was knocked out. I was talking
to Santa Claus, and I think that he was decorating his house...
Mark
That is weird. So how are you feeling, Handsome?
Jason
How
do you think I feel! You dragged me down here, ow, to get my tooth
ripped out, ow, and you were going to make me a wonderful dinner also,
ow, which I won’t be able to eat anyway.
Mark
Oh, you’re overreacting! It’s not like it is the end of the world.
(Lightning Crack, lights flash. Crash, bang, boom.)
Mark
What the Hell was that!
Kosmo
(voice from offstage) All right! That IS IT!
Jason
Speak of the Devil. (fade to black)
